I met the friendliest cop last night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
