Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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