I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Two words: nipple clamps
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