so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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