I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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