I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
