I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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