fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
