my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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