Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
