If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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