when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
ok first of all what the fuck
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
