Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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