oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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