I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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