I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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