i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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