A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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