i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
