were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
