Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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