haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
