my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
