I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
