When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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