Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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