if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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