Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
