This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
