Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
