She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you have feelings for this penis?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
