Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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