Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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