please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
