Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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