I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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