I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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