Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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