My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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