There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
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Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.