he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
