I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck