Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
