do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
