Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
