She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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