How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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