She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
