I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
