this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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