Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
