Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
