Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
