You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
