Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.