My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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