I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
