Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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